Trust in thee

Today I sat across from our pastor and poured out our struggles. That was a new one for me. I have spent many days and nights searching and praying. We have found ourselves in a situation in which we could never imagine. A place that is filled with so many emotions that swing wildly and unexpectedly.

It is a place with deep hurt and pain, betrayal, anger, self righteous indignation, anxiety, stress, sleeplessness, sadness, and confusion. I pray, worship, read, beg God, cry, scream and I want to tell you that I have a sense of peace in the midst of this battle but I do not. I have so much anxiety every bite I put in my mouth I want to throw up. I sleep just to wake up in a cold sweat crying out to God and begging him to be near.

I want to comfort myself with all the familiar bible verses but the realist in me says that God may not make this right in my lifetime. That God has allowed so much worse to happem to others. The storm has raged for so long around me why would it stop now? Where has he been? Why does evil seem to win so often? Why, why, why?

Do I trust him? Can I trust him? Is he good? Is he there? The bible says so. The pastor says so. All the songs say so. But in my heart I want to scream out you don’t understand what I have been through! You don’t know the path I am on! You don’t have any idea all that I have lost or that the storm keeps raging and I keep losing. What else will be swept away?

Can I trust him? Do I trust him? Is he good? That is really what this season comes down too. All the heartache. All the loss. So much loss.

I Will Trust In Thee